i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
