No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
