have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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