I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
how drunk are you?
Several
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
