i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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