just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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