im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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