my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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