I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize