My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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