If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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