I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
