i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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