hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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