I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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