READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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