Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize