god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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