Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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