Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
