No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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