My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
