Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize