my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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