if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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