I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
