Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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