she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
