I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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