I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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