He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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