Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
