i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize