Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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