In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
