shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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