Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
