I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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