ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
