Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
