ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He passed out mid-signature
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
