Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
