allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
