I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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