Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
