Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
