seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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