no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
