I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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