Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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