I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
