tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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