He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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