I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
