The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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