She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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