Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
